What Could Go Wrong? Worry #10: “The Bar Mitzvah Blizzard”
“Relax, enjoy everything,” my relatives counseled leading up to my son’s (just-concluded) bar mitzvah weekend.
“What could possibly go wrong?”
I actually had no fewer than 74 discrete worries, but these were my “Top Ten”:
10. Epic blizzard will shut down local airport; Gramie, Zadie, Grandpa Marty & Grandma Ellen, and 50 other out-of-town relatives can’t make it. Reality: epic blizzard hits East Coast, nephew stuck in Raleigh, NC.
9. The blizzard’s so bad, no one else can make it, either (OK, this one’s actually far-fetched, given hardy Minnesotans, ace local snowplowing — and the 4-wheel drives everyone has here).
8. Left speech in wrong pants pocket — the one at home. Reality: tailor left pockets in new suit sewed shut, had to use insecure shirt pocket.
7. Left cell phone on during synagogue services; it goes off — loudly — during “Aleinu” prayer (holiest prayer of morning service).
6. Turned off cellphone, and someone’s trying to reach me in an emergency (see #5.)
5. Fire department at family home battling blaze caused by food left on unattended stove top burner.
4. Alteration markings on new slacks visible when standing with back to congregation, facing the open ark (part of the ritual of returning the torah to the ark after it’s been read);
3. Bar mitzvah boy will choke like Vikings’ field goal kicker in Seattle playoff game.
2. Ultra-religious relatives will be offended by trivial, unintended infraction, conspicuously storm out of festivities.
1. One of my 3 kids will contract a virulent stomach flu, infect visitors from 14 states who then spread epidemic to the rest of the country (almost happened at bar mitzvah of son #1 three years ago; culprit: son #2, who was violently sick the morning before, in turn requiring emergency clean-up of affected minivan). See also, “‘Contagion’ Movie Review: Minneapolis as Fictional Ground Zero.” **
S-o-o-o-h-h-h . . . how’d it go?!?
Smashingly!
Except for the blizzard 1,000 miles away, all potential bullets were dodged, and everyone had a terrific time.
**Runner-up worry: national e.coli epidemic will be traced to salmon served at catered dinner at local hotel on Saturday night.
