Paying Tribute — Financial & Otherwise — to Wall Street’s Lords

After emptying the U.S. Treasury (and then some) while crashing the global economy and pocketing billions in pay the last 18 months or so, what do you do for an encore in 2010?

Before The Onion gets a hold of the idea, I thought I’d take my best shot. Here goes:

New York, NY (1/8/10) — Senators Charles Schumer (D-NY) and Christopher Dodd (D-CT) introduced legislation today that would revive the Medieval practice of droit de seigneur, or “right of the first night.” As practiced during the Middle Ages, it allows the lord of an estate to take the virginity of the estate’s virgins.

“It’s the least we can do for our esteemed Wall Street leaders,” Sens. Schumer and Dodd said in a prepared statement. “After all, we have them to thank for our vibrant economy, stable financial and housing markets, and record employment.”

As . . uhh . . conceived by Senators Schumer and Dodd, the “right of the first night” would initially only apply to Goldman Sachs’ 800-plus managing directors. After the system is fine-tuned, it would eventually be extended to top executives and traders at other firms.

According to Senator Dodd, issues yet to be resolved include whether the right should be extended to Goldman Sachs’ female managing partners; harmonizing the legislation with existing U.S. laws against infidelity and sexual harassment; and how to exempt the families of members of Congress.

“We’re confident we can reach quick, bi-partisan agreement on all of these matters,” Senator Schumer enthused.

Far-fetched? Let’s hope so.

About the author

Ross Kaplan has 19+ years experience selling real estate all over the Twin Cities. He is also a 12-time consecutive "Super Real Estate Agent," as determined by Mpls. - St. Paul Magazine and Twin Cities Business Magazine. Prior to becoming a Realtor, Ross was an attorney (corporate law), CPA, and entrepreneur. He holds an economics degree from Stanford.

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